Delusion: Why I don't believe in heroes.

I had an interview a few months ago with a sales company in Cork. I am pretty good at talking utter nonsense so I figured if I could maintain a consistent flow of bullshit, for fifteen minutes, we’d be golden. The interview unfolded in the usual manner; they asked the questions I wanted them to ask. I gave the answers they wanted to me to give. But, the last question asked, it threw me off. ‘Could you tell me some of your heroes?’ I wasn’t expecting a question of such grandeur. It posed an unconventional depth that I honestly wasn’t expecting from the young man in the suit across from me. He had barely grown hair on his face and looked younger than I. Yet, he assumed the authority to enquire and assess who I was as a person. Here I am, sitting across from the Wolf of Wall Street, contemplating if I’m applying to an entry level sales company or Trinity College. Maybe the interviewer had read my blog and had heard I was a dispenser of wisdom. Whatever the reason, I was perplexed.

 And my answer?  Who was my hero? I said it wasn’t John Lennon, that’s for sure. He might have ‘imagined’ peace, but he still beat women and suffered from an intense God complex. I said it wasn’t Ghandi either. He was a great man, but still held some racial views that don’t even deserve discussion. And certainly, it wasn’t my father. He was a soldier and a man I looked at as a boy with an intense mixture of awe and fear. But he was just a man too. It’s dangerous to idolize men and women.  Let’s not forget that Adolf Hitler was formally hailed as the 1939 Times man of the year! (Prior to his reign of terror, that has left a permanent stain on history) ‘The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.’ 

In spite of this reality, why do we insist upon christening individuals as heroes? Why are certain humans dressed in divine expectation? History has shown time and time again the sequence whereby the public propel certain individuals to divine levels, only before realizing that those individuals weren’t as perfect as they had been perceived.  Yet we continue to insist that one day, we will find it, in someone, if not something. We crave perfection; and failing to find it in ourselves, we seek it out in others. In potential mates, celebrities we adore and Instagram selves. Why we invest our perfect expectations in imperfect people, I know not. Perhaps it is a human instinct to put others on a pedestal?  If it is, I can understand why. Imagine the first time you we’re blown away by a crush. You met a nice guy or a girl and were immediately taken aback by them. Their personality, their appearance and their every being appeared flawless. They were beautifully estranged. In that moment of anonymity, anyone can appear as truly perfect. Some people will avoid ever delving beyond that point of falsity in a relationship, so as to escape disappointment. And ultimately, can you blame them? We all want a hero. It’s comforting to know that there is someone who is seemingly perfect in spite of all our crap. Someone who has the answer, or knows the Way. Mark Twain said we admire in others what we perceive as lacking ourselves. We envy them. We make heroes out of them, regretfully, for their ability to accomplish what we believe we cannot. No doubt, there are inspiring men and women. However, 'if everybody was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.' Only more individuals in touch with life, how short it is, and how vital is to make our time here valuable. Our inability to separate imagination from reality and perfection from imperfection has sown a world of false and first impression. 

We don’t need more heroes. More porcelain kings with porcelain crowns. We need more imperfection, more honesty and more of what is raw. If I really was to give an answer about who my hero is; ‘who’ I admire: it’s the parent working 12 hour shifts five or six days a week to give their kids a shot at a life they themselves never had. It’s the young man who is brave enough to admit that he’s struggling. He’s having a hard time dealing with the real world, his confidence is blown and he needs some help. A cup of tea and a chat. I admire the person who’s afraid of failure, but is willing to give it a shot and pursue their passion, despite the conflict within them. The person who decides to silence the doubts and the opinions of others.  The person who says, ‘ I have potential and am going to do my best to awaken it.’ We all have the opportunity to be these people and more. We are born to be fighters, to be contenders. Paul Simon’s Boxer comes about as close to displaying the imperfection of a real hero as is possible. A fighter by trade, he carries the reminder of 

‘every glove that laid him down or cut him ‘till he cried out, in his anger and his shame, I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains.’

Real, worked and worn. The boxer has felt adversity from outside and within himself, yet continues to withstand. We can all relate in some way to that. So, rather than throwing all your cards in on those men and women who are as morbidly temporary on this earth as you are, place your trust in yourself. Who you are. Will people understand the path you’re taking?  Maybe not. But as a great friend of mine once said, ‘fuck them’. Atleast you’ll be original. That’s someone I’d admire. Be your own hero.

Pillars don't fall as hard as we do

Some months ago, I found myself in a local bar with a friend. Lost for conversation, a pillar in the back of the establishment became the prime suspect of our discussion. It was intrusive. Stuck there. In the way. After a few beers I can recall asking some punter why it needed to be there and if anyone felt as inflicted by the pillar's presence as I. He didn’t seem to care, nor was he taken-a-back by it. It was only a pillar after all. ‘It’s probably a structural integrity issue.’ Not being familiar with construction lingo, I vowed to google structural integrity when I got home. The definition I found was practically poetic. 

Structural integrity is the ability of an item to hold together under a load, including its own weight, resisting breakage or bending.

When I heard it, I found it instantly relatable. 'The ability of an item to hold together under a load, including its own weight.' I thought, humans have that same conflict. Iv'e been having it since ninety three. It seems as though often our biggest conflicts are not with externalities, but with ourselves. It took a simple explanation of a pillars structure to make me examine myself! And it hit me so hard. We're fighting our own weight at the worst of times. All of the doubts, the self-criticism and pressure we put upon our selves is enough to cause serious breakage on any human being. And we fall harder then any building or pillar. You  just won't hear it. That little voice that say's 'you're not good enough' can't be underestimated, not should it be accepted. We're designed to adapt. We adapt to challenges, geographical chances and ecological opposition. That's evolution 101. Without challenge, we cannot grow. Muscle tissue is one and the same. But internal resistance is a unique challenge, one that's defined my generation and keeps me awake wondering who I am at three in the morning on a Thursday night. But if we can overcome that dark voice, we can surely overcome everything else.

If you're still at a loss, if you can't relate to this internal voice, I'm very happy for you. But if you've ever allowed you're first thought of the day to be strictly negative, read on. Imagine this.  You wake up one gloomy morning, meeting the day with discouragment. A lack of excitement. You stumble into the bathroom, teary eyed, still half asleep and glance into the mirror. All you see is failure. All you see, is failure.

Why are we profoundly hurtful to ourselves?

We go through our day with an inner voice that hangs on our shoulder, uttering doubt and saying 'you can't'. And we assume that to be normal! It’s insane that we not only expect that voice but encourage its existence. And we do encourage it. Every time we choose to believe the negative voice in our head, we are encouraging its existence. You'd never talk to a friend like that, yet we willingly abuse ourselves? Take writing as an example. It's something I'm new to, and it's an interesting experience for me. I write a paragraph, only to berate myself immediately after for what I’ve just written. Like a broken record, I build myself up only to be torn back down. How much more fruitful would the writing process be if I could write without self-depreciation. How much greater could any situation be if we could simply stop being  hard on ourselves. You are not your thoughts. If I was mine, I’d be a piece of shit. That’s not healthy. If we feed into that negative voice every day, we allow it direct our circumstances and reaction to them.

Getting back to structural integrity; my understanding is that in order for an object to maintain stability, we need to study previous breakages in order prevent future failure. Can you identify previous situations where the voice in your head has largely prevented you from experiencing what could have been a better day? I can, that's for sure. Are you going through the same motions of self-criticism, day in day out? I'm not saying you need to force a smile or beat yourself with diluted positivity but you do need to be nice to yourself. Don't beat yourself up every day. I challenge you to look in the mirror in the morning and say one decent thing about yourself. I want you to mean it. Find one thing and believe it. If you could see yourself the way others see you, you would really know how much you are loved. You are intimately designed and possess talents that set you apart from anyone in the entire planet. That's pretty cool. Just think about that. Next time you're gonna beat yourself up, just remember that you have a purpose on this planet and that somebody, at least one person, thinks very highly of you.For everything you dislike in yourself, there's an abundance of things people love. 

We are not at the mercy of external forces, but rather wounds of our own self infliction.

Peace